Many people have asked what I’m writing about. I give different answers at different times: I guess it may change as I put flesh on the bones of my outline. The shortest answer is that I’m writing about discipleship. A more detailed response is that it’s about the discipline of being a disciple of Jesus Christ, the life change that takes place when we remove ourselves from the throne of our lives and yield to King Jesus as Lord and Savior. It’s about what Jesus has done, and what we do in response to his finished work. His is a call to come and die, to leave behind the old person and put on the new. We work hard because we’re loved by the King of all kings, not to gain his love. His love of sinners compels them to action.
It’s been a month since I announced my writing project. It has been a month of wild ups and downs. I’ll go from intense focus and positivity to deep discouragement. Writing is something I have a difficult time doing when I am distracted, and with four children it is not something I can make headway with during the day. There is always someone wanting me, needing me, or causing trouble that I need to intervene with. Knowing my inability to focus outside of a vacuum, I’ve been getting up before the sun to write. I joked with Clay that by the time I’m done I’ll be able to say I wrote this book in my sleep since I nod off so often. This, an attempt at keeping my heart light when the task seems too much.
I’m trying to write about discipline, and I knew the writing process would be an act of discipline for me.
“I’m going to discipline so hard!” I thought as I began.
Then I hit a wall and couldn’t get my thoughts into words and things fell apart. Last night was the lowest point yet in my book writing process. I wanted to quit. I wanted to throw it all away. I felt so stupid for ever thinking I could accomplish something of this size. A blog post every now and then on a rather inactive blog is one thing, a book is something else entirely. I got so mad, mostly at myself and my inability to collect my thoughts, and had a big ugly cry. I fell short of my own expectations, and hoped quitting would be an easy out.
I told Clay before I even started writing that the hardest part of writing my book was not going to be the actual writing, but the spiritual opposition I would face through the process. Yesterday was a prime example of what I knew would be coming, and I floundered. I was assaulted by a host of lies and accusations. I tried to fight my own fight, then I laid down and took a beating.
I wanted so badly to be able to walk away from this dream, yet I know that is impossible. Why? The short answer is because I know God has laid it on my heart to do this, and he will not let me walk away. I know he has given me things to say, and has a lot to teach me about who he is through this process, as well as things he wants to teach me about myself. Quitting would be avoiding the inevitable. God has given me a task to accomplish, and I know he will pursue me. I can surrender now, or later. He loves me when I gain ground, and he loves me when I hit these walls. He loves me on the days the words pour out of me like water, and he loves me when my heart and mind are a desert. He simply loves me. He’ll guide me through this and provide a way to accomplish this task that is too great for me.
So I rest in him, and I work hard to reach the goal before me. This is what my book is all about, and I guess it has to start in my own heart before I can get it into words for anyone else.